The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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