so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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