Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
