my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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