Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
