somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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