I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
