She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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