he shaved USA in his pubs
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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