i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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