I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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