Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
