My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
