Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
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