I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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