"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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