On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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