And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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