Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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