Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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