my phone needs a breathalizer
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize