I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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