Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
