He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I need a beard to bite.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
