In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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