Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
