I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
