If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
