She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
