I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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