My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
