it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
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