How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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