Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
