I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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