I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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