i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
