end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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