so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
