I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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