I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
