I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
