Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
