Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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