i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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