so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's never too late to be topless.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
