booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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