I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
