but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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