the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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