The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
