Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
