the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
