So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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