Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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