Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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