My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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