I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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