Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
