I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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