He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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